


Scared For U

by Fuhlair



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Best Friends, Dialogue Light, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Emotional, Eventual Romance, F/F, Heavy Angst, I Made Myself Cry, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, POV Third Person Omniscient, Painkillers, Short Chapters, Short Story, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, suicidal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-11 20:22:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15323544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fuhlair/pseuds/Fuhlair
Summary: Ally is suicidal and its killing Normaninon-au





	1. gone but still here (intro)

Normani had known about the struggling mental health of her fellow band mates for a while. She knew Lauren was depressed and bipolar. She knew Dinah was insecure and anxious. She even knew about Camila's numerous mental reasons for leaving the group. She just didn't know about Ally. To be honest, the thought of Ally being anything but happy and healthy never even crossed her mind. Her short best friend was always not only Normani's rock, but the whole group's rock. She was the one that cheered everyone up and helped when she could. Normani had never even considered what Ally might be hiding behind the smiles and corny jokes. Only Ally knew the extent of what happened in her mind, and it was probably the worst out of any of the girls. 

She was tired in simple terms. 

Tired of performing. Tired of living up to expectations. Tired of management. Tired of everything. She no longer enjoyed any thing she used to, but instead of putting anymore worry onto the girls, she kept her dying personality to herself and hid it under a fake, happy mask. Lately, the tiny blonde was very thankful to be a good actress. 

As a whole, she felt numb and she hated it. It felt like she was stuck in a ditch too deep to crawl out of. She hated it enough that it made her want to die. With her feeling like there was no outlet to express what she is going through, she gradually began to give up. Her performances became lackluster and and her bright smiles was beginning to fade as well, even if no one seemed to notice. It was a silent cry for help, but no one was listening. 

But when it went down hill most was in January of 2018. They were getting ready to go home from Jingle Ball, but as Ally packed up her things from the dressing room, she stumbles upon a small bag under some of Normani's clothes. It was a bag of cocaine, acid tabs, and a bottle of pills. Ally, being in the lifeless mindset she was in, decided to take a few of the pills, knowing that if the younger girl found out she would be nothing but a hypocrite. 

Sooner after, those few pills turned into many. It turned into sleepless nights, bitterness, and and many empty bottles of the addictive pill. She hadn't really known what the pills were supposed to be used for, but she found herself constantly buying them illegally and drowning away her pains. They were her painkillers. They took away the internal torment, even if it was just for a few hours.  

Ally hasn't planned on becoming addicted, but she also didn't stop herself. She didn't care. Her life didn't matter to her so the drugs would benefit her no matter the eventual outcome. She didn't fear an overdose, in fact, in the back of her mind, she was praying for one. Maybe then she'd either be dead or have someone begin to actually care. 

So she continued, and this journey seemed to go on forever


	2. shell of a woman

Ally stumbles back into her hotel room after one of the group's last shows. She was exhausted. From all of the work she's been forced to do over and over again, to the actual show, she had been worked to the bone. Still, her body was itching; itching for the painkillers. Her brain had completely turned into a demon. Demanding until Ally complied, and she did. Once she sat herself on the the bed she pulled out the tiny zip lock bag full of her temporary happiness. It was full to the top since she had just gotten them earlier that day from one of the tour roadies. She got 10 of the pills in her hand and swallowed them dry. All that was left to do was wait. 

It wasn't long until the drugs kicked in, giving her the euphoric feeling she so desperately craved. It was the only time she ever smiled genuinely. The sense of comfort and calmness it gave her made want more and more, but she couldn't. Her relaxed state made her feel like she couldn't move even if she actually could. So she just sits there, staring off and imagining a world that wasn't like the one she live in. A world where she enjoyed things other than abusing pills. A world that was content and peaceful instead of hectic and demanding. Her imagination was all she had left to occupy her. 

Normani on the other hand was worried. She had taken note of how often her friend would go off into her room alone and how long she'd be gone for. She noticed the little changes in her mood. The irritability, the nonsensical defensiveness, the deadness in her eyes. She could see what she was becoming, but she didn't know why. Everyone else was oblivious to Ally's changes, they were too caught up in their own lives to think about hers, but it was all that was on Normani's mind. She wanted to know what was going on, but she couldn't figure it out. 

So she follows the Mexican girl back to her hotel room, being sneaky enough for her to not spot her creeping up behind her. She didn't know what she would find when she went back to the room, but she wanted to know what she did while she was alone. She wanted to make sure she wasn't doing anything stupid. She was right to worry, especially with what she saw. It isn't everyday that you find the person you care so much about destroy themselves. But here she was, watching the blonde swallowing a hand full of pill before hiding them away in a place that Normani couldn't see from the crack in the door. 

She felt her heart empty almost instantly. All love, fear, and sadness went out of the door, even if it was just for that moment. Normani felt numb just watching that. Her heart and head couldn't even process what she was witnessing, and she didn't want to. She didn't want to admit that the one person that lit up her world was dimming her own. She didn't want to understand why the one person that always was there for her didn't care about herself. It was truly heartbreaking. 

She felt like her world was shattering. Her mind on the fence about confronting her, knowing about her own past with drugs. She knew the feeling of safety and happiness that drugs have delivered her so she didn't want to judge Ally. She didn't want to be a hypocrite. 

Normani left soon after that. She didn't want to watch, not anymore. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes and her body was tense. She couldn't handle the knowledge, at least not at the moment.


	3. dead eyes, empty hearts

Normani woke up the next morning with dried tears on her face. The only thing that got her to sleep was promising herself that she would address the situation. She knew that if she didn't, the guilt would eat at her until she died. She couldn't live like that, she just couldn't. 

Today they were supposed to be getting ready to leave for their next tour stop, but they had the entire morning to themselves since they leave at 4 pm. Both Ally and Normani planned to take advantage of the free time they had. Albeit, having different things in mind of course. Normani wanted to talk to Ally, but Ally just wanted to get high as soon as possible. Even just having the painkillers out of her system for a few hours made Ally break out into a cold sweat, she also began shaking. Lately, there hasn't really been a minute the substance wasn't in her veins. She took a little in the morning, just enough to subside the ache, and then as much as she wanted at night. 

As Ally tried to remember where she'd put her bag, Normani was heading down to Ally's room. To say she was nervous was an understatement. Contrary to popular belief, Ally wasn't an easy person to approach, especially not now. She was scared. Normani knew like anyone else that many addicts can be violent when confronted. She didn't know what would happen, but she needed to do this. It might be saving her best friend's life. At the same time, it doesn't cancel put the fact that she is hesitant because of the chance of her flipping out. 

But here she was, at her door, gathering her courage to knock. She swallows hard and places one hand on the door knob and the other on the door to knock. She hesitates only for a moment before banging her knuckles on the door. The normally perky blonde opens the door, her eyes dead and her smile completely faded. Normani just grabs her wrist and pull Ally farther into the room, shutting and locking the door behind them. 

"What the fuck are you doing, Mani?" Ally slurred; it almost sounded like she was drunk. In actuality she was completely sober and she hated it. She just wanted Normani to leave so she could find her bag and feel alright again. Take her mind off of all the things that made her feel incomplete. Normani just turns back around and holds up the bag. The bag of Ally's pills. 

"Wh-where did you find that?" Ally asked with wide eyes before trying to snatch the bag. Normani held the bag high above her head before heading for the window. Ally knew in an instant what her friend was about to do, and she wasn't going to let her. Ally rushes over and tackles her, the bag flying up into the air and falling on the window sill. Both Ally and Normani reach up for them, both with different motives for the bag. Ultimately Normani gets her fingers on it first, pushing it out the open window and down 12 stories onto the street. Ally yells out a 'no' and peers her head put the window, watching them fall. Normani took the opportunity to catch her breath before standing up to pull the tiny girl out of the window. She was faced with a sight she'd never wanted to see. Tears were streaming down her face and her eyes showed the most emotion she's seen from her in months. She looked broken, and it killer her. Normani felt guilty. Like this was all somehow her fault. She thought maybe if she cared a little more or checked on her more often, this could have been avoided. She felt like she was supposed to be the one to save Ally, and she didn't. 

"Just please talk to me." Normani shook her head in desperation. All she wanted was to fix this. To fix her. But she couldn't if Ally didn't let her, so she calmed herself as much as she could, releasing her grasp on her. Ally angrily stomped over to the bed and sat herself down, avoiding contact with the girl in front of her at all costs. 

Even if Normani was trying to keep calm, she couldn't hold back her own tears. They just ran down her face as she walked over to the angry woman, her breath hitching as often as her heartbeat. She kneeled down in front her her, one her legs on either sides of her body. Her eyes were zeroed in on her face, which she reached out for with her hand to wipe away the trail of tears on her cheek. 

"Why would you do this to yourself?" 

"I don't care." Ally said deadpan. She hadn't cared about lying at this point, there was no use. Normani knew what was going on, there was no way for her to effectively lie to her. There was no way for her to believe her. 

"Are you happy? Is that what you want to hear? I don't care about anything and it makes me want to die. Mani, I just want to be dead. I don't want to feel like this anymore." She cried out, pushing herself back onto the bed to get away from Normani. Normani was honestly appalled at what she just said to her. She didn't know what to say or do. She just wanted to scoop her up into her arms and hold her until she felt better. She just wanted her to be happy. 

"I can't take it anymore! This life and these people drive me insane and it's just doesn't seem worth it anymore. Nothing is worth it anymore! I'm never happy I am just empty." 

"What about me?" 

"What about you?" Ally knitted her eyebrows, a cascade of tears covering the same spot Normani had just wiped. 

"Am I worth it? Do you still care about me? Or am I nothing to you now? Look I just want you to be happy, Alz. I want to see your real smile. I want you to be the person I grew to love again. But do you even want that anymore? Are you selfish enough to take yourself out of this world and leave me like that?" Normani's words hit Ally like a bullet train. She didn't know anything about how Normani felt, and it was selfish to not thinking of who she was hurting by doing this to herself. 

"Of course I want to be that girl again, Mani, but I can't. I'll never be the same. I will never been the girl I was in 2012. All I can be is this." It was true, well to Ally at least. She thought that she would never be better; she thought she was doomed to feel the hollow forever. But Normani had hope for her. She just needed to figure out how to apply that hope into real life. 

"You don't have to be her, but I want you to find happiness, so let me help you, Ally.... Please?" The blonde took a deep breath and sighed, looking down into her own lap. 

"I want to feel better." She sniffled, turning her eyes back up to look at the girl on the floor. Normani nods and stands up before sitting herself on the bed, pulling the small girl into her body. Ally doesn't protest or squirm. She just relaxes her body under her friends gentle touch. She felt safe for the first time in a long time.


	4. giving in isn't giving up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extra short

Both of them board the plane in silence. They haven't spoken a word to eachother or anyone else since what had happened this morning. If silence could kill, they would be dead. They both wish it was the comfortable kind, instead it was the type that makes you shift in your seat and clear you throat just to make it less awkward. It was the suffocating silence. Both having so much to say but neither having the guts to say anything. So they keep the silence, preferring it over talking about what happened even more. 

The whole flight to the new world felt underwhelming. Usually going to a new place is exciting for the girls, and it was, for Dinah and Lauren at least. Normani and Ally aren't looking forward to it. To Ally it just looks like more faked smiles and endless preparing for a 3 hour show they've done plenty of times. To Normani it just didn't feel right. The whole atmosphere of the group has been diminished to sadness and exhaustion. The rock of the group had broken into pebbles, but Normani was the only one who saw it. The rest were oblivious to what had happened to the bubbly blonde. She wish she hadn't known, but at the same time she was glad to be helping Ally. She didn't want anything to happen to her.

Neither of them are, drank, or talked to anyone while on the plane. They just kept to themselves as if they were afraid the truth would fall out of their mouths once they opened it. They replied to Dinah and Lauren in small groans and shrugs, pretending they were just too tired to reply normally. The silence carried from the plane to the hotel room to the night into the morning. They held off for as long as they could until it was time for sound check. 

As Ally got dressed, all she could think about were those damn pills. She was shaky, paranoid, and felt extremely ill. 'It had only been two day' she kept reminding herself, but it didn't help. Her body and mind had grown too dependant. It physically hurt to deny it, so she eventually gave in; begging the same man who gave it to her previously for just one dose. Just to get her through the day. And back down the seemingly irreversible path she went. Basically ignoring Normani's words to escape the pain of withdraw. 

Ally wanted to listen though. She wanted her to help her be better. She wanted to be free from this addiction, but she couldn't. She was owned by chemicals, and it made her feel even more hopeless.


	5. filling in holes (outro)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts, and intense descriptions

Lauren isn't stupid, she knew there was something wrong with Ally. She had just assumed it wasn't major. Maybe she thought it was just a small lapse of melancholy, she really didn't know, but she wasn't about to ask. Normani, unlike what she thought, wasn't the only one that was concerned. Lauren was just watching from a distance, hoping things would fix themselves. 

Dinah knew too, but she had only even started picking up on the signs after Lauren had mentioned it. She felt a little dumb for not seeing it sooner, but she was planning on confronting her shorter counterpart, she just always scared herself out of it. She felt like every approach was too aggressive and would end up with the two having a damaged relationship. So even if she didn't want to, she stood on the sidelines with Lauren, leaving it up to Normani to fix it, and that was a lot of stress for one person to carry. It scared Normani to think that she might be the only thing to fix this, mainly because of what would happen if she couldn't. 

After endless arguments between Ally and Normani, Lauren and Dinah finally got dragged in, but didn't help any. If anything, it made it all worse. Ally felt at fault. She felt more alone than before. No one seemed to understand anything she said, it felt like they didn't want to understand anyway. She felt like a nuisance to her own group; to her own best friends. So she stood back from the pills for something with a quicker and more permanent relief. 

First part of the plan involved stealing the girls phones. She called them on her own cellphone before hitting the decline button on theirs. She wanted to leave messages for them, verbal ones. She felt that written ones were too easily destroyed. A voice would be set in your head forever. She wanted to be remembered by them; she wanted them to remember her message. It was important for them to. Ally didn't want them to remember her by the yelling and the pills, she wanted to be remembered for what she was recording. So she recorded them. Lauren and Dinah's weren't easy, but they were a cake walk compared to what she wanted to say to Normani. What she wanted to say to her were things she never even wanted to say to herself, but once the beep sounded in her ear, she no longer had a choice. She had to say it because it was now or never.

"Normani.... I love you. I always will. And I don't mean in the 'we are besties and I love you' way. I mean in the 'I have always wanted to kiss your lips and grow old with you' way. You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, I'm sorry I had to break you. I didn't want to. You will be the last thing I will ever think about. Your life was a blessing to me, and it will be to someone else someday. Maybe to someone who has the guts to tell you how they feel before it's too late. You lit up my world more than any other drug, but the drugs help subside the pain that came with the love I have for you. Loving you hurts and I can't live with that pain anymore. I'm so sorry, but I love you, hold onto that for me." 

With that she hung up. Hot tears rolling down her cheeks as she sets her phone down on the hotel mattress. She didn't want it to end this way, but she couldn't take being alive this way anymore. She saw no other way out of this life than to end it on her own terms.  It was better to kill herself than to let anyone or anything else do it first. 

After sneaking back into the girls rooms to give them back their phones, she headed back to hers. The metal in her hand didn't scare her. In fact, she didn't feel a thing. No sadness, remorse, or fear was in her body. Only a pit, well, more like an abyss. A hollow energy accompanied with empty tears. She was ready for the most part, she just needed to figure out how to put the bullets in. But her not knowing how to assemble her weapon gave time to one of the girls to listen to their message, that girl of course being Normani. The more she listened the more her heart grew with pain and worry. She couldn't let her do this, especially not after listening to that. 

She rushed down to Ally's room, hoping and praying it wasn't too late. Luckily it wasn't, not yet. Normani stalks behind the short girl as she silently attempts to insert the bullet once more. As she watched, the more the pain and sadness replaced with anger, not for Ally but for herself. She hadn't been able to fix her, she'd only broken her more. That thought alone drove Normani's sanity out of her mind and replaced it with action. She stomps up to Ally and grabs the gun and bullet before the small girl could even respond. 

"Normani..." Ally sighed out in almost shock of her being here. Normani ignores her and simply places the bullet in the gun before cocking it and placing the end of the barrel against the side of her head. 

"If you take one step closer to this gun, I will pull the fucking trigger, Allyson." She said flatly, her voice and face void of any emotion for Ally to read. 

"I heard your message, and you are not going anywhere without me, even if that place is heaven." Her hand shook against the gun, her finger deathly close to pulling the trigger. In that moment, Ally's hole filled with something. It was terror. The thought of losing the only person she'd ever truly loved because of her own lack of will made her realize what her life was. Her life meant the same to Normani and Normani's meant to her, and she was willing to take herself away from Ally just as much as Ally unknowingly was about to from Normani. Even if she hated her own life doesn't mean she was willing to sacrifice Normani's. 

"You're not serious." Ally spoke lowly, her voice trembling as well as her body. Normani remained still, pushing the gun farther into her skin to prove she wasn't afraid to do it. She could see the remorse in Ally's eyes, she knew it was working to some extent. 

"Please put it down, Mani..." Ally cried before hiding her face in her hand, not wanting to see it if she followed through. 

"Why should I? You think you're the only one hurting, Ally? I fucking love you and it kills me. It has killed me since 2012! I cannot stand to see you say that I don't understand what you are going through. I am no fucking different from you. I am just as willing to pull the fucking trigger as you are. I'm as empty as you are, but you don't see that. I want you to be happy because your happiness is the only thing that will ever make me okay again. There I said it! I'm so fucking in love with you that I am willing to stand in front of a bullet. And I know you are too, so let's cut the bullshit. It's either me or you? Which one do you chose to die tonight, Allyson?" Ally shakes her head and walks closer to Normani, tears staining the carpet as she walks. Normani was a bit confused at what she was doing but hid it with a poker face, looking down at the girl as she wrapped her arms around her torso and rested her face on her chest. 

"I'll live for you if you live for me, promise?" She whispered, sounding the most sincere she has in a long time. That instant Normani lowered the gun and took her finger off the trigger, throwing the gun onto the bed before wrapping her arms around the tiny girl. 

"I promise." 

Those words will be remembered. This is the moment that may seem vague to an outsider, but both women knew what the other meant. This was the bonding of a suicide pact based off of the pure fire of love. A bittersweet promise of death to one another, one that somehow gave them comfort. 

"THE SUICIDE PACT" COMING SOON - EMILY


End file.
